An engaged couple wrote and asked me what advice I would give them as they approach their upcoming wedding, knowing my husband and I have been happily married for 50 years. I thought about it for a minute and then said, “Always try to keep the passion you have today and maintain ‘the couple’ that you are. This takes effort, especially when life gets in the way. Always do your best to communicate with each other and share your needs. AND always love and respect each other.”
Afterward, I began thinking about what I wrote to them and realized how that advice helped me, especially after being diagnosed with small lymphocytic lymphoma, a chronic cancer. Relationships and intimacy are not often discussed in the oncology realm. I needed time to digest what would now be a new normal for me and I had to figure out how I would move forward.
Thankfully, my husband and I have always worked on making our relationship a priority. Early on, we decided after having our three children, we would have to work harder to keep our passion alive. Of course, it took work then and of course, it takes work now. To this day, whenever my husband is asked what the secret to our marriage is, he jokingly responds, “A good sex life!” Well, there is some truth to that.
After I was diagnosed and understood how I would have to live with this for the rest of my life, I knew I had to make some decisions. I have had different treatments including radiation, a daily oral chemo pill and now immunoglobulin treatment every four weeks. I am constantly living life alongside my cancer. I knew from the beginning I needed to continue to have an intimate relationship with my husband.
I learned that this had several advantages. The sense of touch comes with emotional and physiological benefits. In my research I found that even holding hands and hugging can lower cortisol levels, a stress hormone. I read that sex and intimacy are just as important for people with cancer as for those without it. It helps deal with feelings of distress, even when going through treatment. For me, I compare having intimate relations with meditation. It’s helpful to get into a state of mind that blocks out all the noise of the world so you can focus on the intimate feeling of just being lovingly touched. Scheduling a sex date is also helpful. Turn down the lights, feel your inner beauty, phones off, and maybe even experiment with what will help arouse you both. It’s all about creativity! Most importantly, you may even forget that you are a cancer patient — and that’s huge.
If you have put this on the back burner, try communicating with your partner, and addressing this with your doctor, which is a major piece. Doctors can help address physical issues that could be causing a problem. Doctors can provide a plan to help with intimacy issues, reducing the stress of cancer. I was surprised to read about a program at Yale Medicine for cancer patients at Smilow’s Sexual Intimacy & Menopause program with practitioners specializing in this. According to Dr. Ratner at Yale Medicine, cancer patients are relieved to learn that sexual issues can be common while dealing with cancer, but treatment is possible.
Having intimate relations, especially when we have cancer, can help us live a fuller life. Scientific research shows sex can also benefit heart health, reduce blood pressure, boost immunity and improve mental health. Scientists also agree that it can lift your mood and strengthen relationships. I hope after reading this, you will keep an open mind, and at least begin the conversation, if you haven’t already.
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